02 November 2007

Q&A Which attitude is correct?

from Yahoo! Answers:

Which attitude is correct?

I was a person who took the responsibility of each and everything. When a person hurt me or block my path, I always thought in his favour, that he is not wrong if behaving like this, he is forced to do that as he can't resist that. And then I go on continue my work. But there is someone who had been so adamant in blocking my path that finally I started to blame her as I was bearing her for 4 or 5 years. Now I couldn't control My anger.But one day when I started to blame her in front of a friend, he said, "Upto when you will do like this,blaming others for your condition. You and no one is responsible for your own condition.But at times, you would have got emotional while you just had to keep your eye at your goal." and so on. Actually, he was meeting me after so many years and did'nt know about me at all. I later understood that he meant that we should fight with those people. That way,I agree, the goal would be achieved. But would not we abusing them ? That too, when she is mother.

posted by anuragsrawat

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker (written by Don Berg, Attitutor)

The attitude that is correct is the attitude that leads to well being for both you and those around you.

Your initial attitude of taking responsibility for everything seemed correct, except that when the situation got worse you succumbed to your humanity by getting angry but you did not have the ability to control it.

Your initial attitude was flawed. Instead of dealing positively with the natural feelings of resentment that follow from being abused by others, you denied those feelings. Then, when those feelings finally broke through your denial you were out of control.

Your initial attitude was an illusion of responsibility, not the real thing. True responsibility is being able to deal with reality through creative responses to what is actually happening. Your initial version of responsibility denied the reality of your feelings about what was happening to you and so you have suffered the consequences of your lack of responsibility through uncontrollable anger.

If you want to be truly responsible for everything that happens to you, which is a very good idea, then you have to find ways to acknowledge the reality of both the events that happen to you and all your thoughts and feelings about those events. Denying your feelings, even "negative" feelings, is a denial of what is really happening. Although it is usually wise not to express them wantonly and in situations that will cause strife. Gossip is not helpful.

What you need is a trusted confidante. Someone, or better yet a group of people, who would accept your thoughts and feelings and help you deal with them without betraying them to others. For me that is mostly my girlfriend and my Mom. I have a religious community that I can trust, too.

The right attitude is the attitude that leads to well-being for all. That means that you acknowledge the abuse you receive and then find creative ways to express the negative feelings that will, inevitably, result from being abused. If you simply attack your abuser then you may enter a cycle of retribution, each of you taking revenge for the attacks of the other. And retribution cycles are not constructive, nor creative avenues for increasing well-being since they tend to spread to other people who are forced to take sides in the battle.

By all means take responsibility, but also remember to be respectful. Respect yourself by finding ways to safely express your feelings in private. Respect your community by finding ways to prevent abuse from spreading and eventually stop it, if possible. If you cannot stop the abuse, then see if you can escape the situation where the abuse happens.

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